We started by doing a meditation to get centered and deeply grounded after I spoke of our ‘Emotional Territory’, a ‘2 tone’ dynamic we tend to vascillate in, going from one extreme to the other. I asked each participant to assess what their usual dynamic is, how they flip from one thing to another and I introduced the concept of POLAR SPLITS. Working on Polar Splits is some of the most powerful you can do to restore your psyche’s ability to see the many options in front of you where a situation arises, because when you are in a polar split, you see only 2 options. There’s ALWAYS more than 2 options but the fact it seems impossible that there could be a ‘Door number 3’ is the tell tale sign that you are stuck/bound in a polar split.
I brought us all in this wonderful place one called the CAMP FIRE, a place you access by walking down a path in a forest and arriving at a clearing where there is a beautiful waterfall on the left, and space on the right where there is a campfire and a chair facing it. That chair represents your ability to be in the driver’s seat, to be the conscious adult in you. When we are in a reaction, it is not you, the conscious adult, that is sitting in that chair. We sat in the chair and summoned a part of us that we recognize as an emotional pattern we have carried since childhood. Then we did some polar split work by asking that the ‘flip side’ of that reaction manifest itself in front of us as well, and the n we asked to see the chasm between these 2 parts. This chasm is often very deep and I guided us along as we starting filling it up with light from the bottom up : this is not about pouring light into it, its about bringing up energy from the earth, from our own core, to fill and seal the chasm, so these 2 parts can merge together and all the other options that we could not see while they were split can start coming back to the surface of consciousness.
Once we worked on Polar Splits for a while, I brought us to the waterfall on the other side of the path. This waterfall lands into a big pond and all the bottom of the pond is made of crystal. We all took the time to soak in this crystallin, integrative and very regenerative water as the energies we had worked on in the camp fire integrated.
Thank you for sharing your experience of this process with us all! I look forward to reading your words!
This was cool. I did this one twice. The first time when we were on the call, I accessed a very clear polar split between a part of myself that’s basically “the wimp” (reserved, standoff ish, living in my diary , wanting to hide , retract and not be seen). This was my starting point. I then found another character at the end of the spectrum who was alot more assertive, this kind of sporty , very upfront , quick, powerful and direct character (the sense of too muchness came with it, and this sense of “it’s dangerous if I am like this” too). It felt really awesome to integrate the two, they actually held hands and merged into a pretty powerful and energetic being (me) with a basketball. 😂 Lol. Yes. This is inspiring me to move my body more and allowing me to move towards more assertiveness, even if it isn’t what I’ve been developing that much so far. 🙂 When Jeanette mentioned “being a burden” I accessed this similar wounding in my family, really accessing a moment of crisis where I felt like my family’s financial issues were for some reason my fault , and was holding a subconscious sense of “being a girl is a burden to our family’s bank account” (feels ancestral). The pain was very intense. I sat and breathed with it, brought her in the fire and held her hand. Later on I accessed this other of part of myself that wanted purification in the fire, perhaps a past life, or as you mentioned, some other attachment. It was an indigenous man responsible for ritual that couldn’t be in an intimate relationship, feeling sadness. So I allowed this being / part of myself to go into the fire and receive it’s benefits.
The second time I did this journey, similar themes came up. I accessed a part of my child self that felt very discombobulated during a sports game , we’ll call her the “awkward bad at sports girl” (it was like feeling out of place, overwhelmed, confused and almost like dizzy in my body during a volley ball match, sort of wanting to just check out because it was too much, feeling inadequate) , and the other end of the spectrum was like this super expanded and just merged with the environment super relaxed but still super energized presence that can basically do anything and enjoy itself , guess I could call it my embodied presence. Merging the two was really cool and actually fun, and I understood that I tend to stay away from structured opposition and energetically intense sports & competition because I concluded inside of me “this isn’t for me, I am bad at all of this stuff, I don’t want to compete – basically cause I suck and I’m a loser.” I also tend to go towards activities such as ecstatic dance which make me feel more of the second type of ‘far out there / merged’ kind of energy. This felt like the “only ” way for me to reconcile being physically active without being overwhelmed or faced with competition & “sucking” & losing. I know I have more deeply uncomfortable polar splits operating. For now this was what came up.
I went deeper into the “being a female is a burden” piece, this time really feeling it in my womb and even seeing my menstrual blood. I sat with really intense anger and sadness, despair. The one who appeared and went into the fire was an adolescent me looking at her menstual blood. With the intensity of despair this part of myself became shrivelled and black like a corpse. It felt frightening but I knew I needed to stay with it. It was like this deep fear of once more being cruelly victimized because of my womanhood. When i asked it what do you need, it asked for some food. So I gave it an apple, and tried to infuse safety and healing energy into her (pretty scary) body, sort of like mending it’s remnants into a real body again. It was hard but eventually this part of myself grew from within itself some strong vibrant skin and a strong body. She wanted me to put a white robe on her at some point so I covered her with a shiny protective white diamondy& crystal robe while she was standing in the fire. This was very helpful. It was challenging to fully see and be with it but the energy was working. She very powerfully jumped out of the fire when she was ready (like “done!”) with a very powerful headpiece and dress, looking like an ancient priestess, and a strong physical presence, and she sat next to me.
I feel so much better after doing this exercise again. This is so cool, I am deeply enjoying being a part of this group with you all. ❤️ Thank you Julie for holding this space for all of us.